Thursday, March 12, 2015

No rainbows yet, but I've got the baby bangs part nailed.

Sometimes I can trick myself into forgetting that I had a baby who isn't here with me. I don't even realize I'm trying to do it at times.

Last week I was getting ready for church. I had showered, shaved even, and was about to take the towel off my head when I noticed bangs.

I'd seen them before on all the moms who had babies on twitter. It's part of the having a baby process. It seems like they come along after a baby has been born. The mom gripes about how they're a pain for quite some time. The reason they gripe is because nothing can be done with baby bangs except wait for them to grow.

Well guess what? Those of us who go home without a baby. We still get those baby bangs. They're still a pain in the butt. They're still not glamorous. In my case, they are flat out ridiculous.

Mine were growing on one side. So now, not only do I have a physical reminder of what I don't have, I don't even get a solid row of them. I get janky ones. It's one of those times when I just want to say thanks to the powers that be for this call, except when I say thanks, I'm super sarcastic and probably not all that thankful.

I went to my hair stylist yesterday and was griping about my woes as she foiled my hair. She examined them and then made the determination that I actually had a solid row of them. I was thankful truly then because I like things to match or be even. What can I say? My type-A self reaches all corners of the earth.

Today I was driving home and thinking about my stupid baby bangs and I noticed that it was cloudy outside. Often times when I get consumed with what I don't have I get so wrapped up in it that I don't take the time to look at the world around me. I then remembered that I still haven't seen a rainbow. Oh people have seen pictures of them and sent them to us. But since April 24th of last year, I've not seen one for myself with my own two eyeballs.

I guess I've viewed the rainbow as a sign of progression and healing. Also, a two part promise that this won't happen to me again and that a baby is on the way soon for us. In a nutshell, I view it as a reminder that God hasn't forgotten about me.

Well I don't have a rainbow. I know that is a lot of responsibility to put on a rainbow, but it's where I am.

I have to admit that I'm slightly annoyed that what I'm left with is baby bangs. I think they're kind of a sign that a woman's body is pretty much returned to working for just one person rather than two.

As I pulled into my driveway just a few minutes ago, it hit me that just because I haven't seen a rainbow yet, doesn't mean that there hasn't been healing or progression yet. It just doesn't look the way I want it to look at this point. I know that God hasn't forgotten about me. He has been faithful to prove that to me over and over again this year.

Today I don't have my rainbow, but I'm grateful for these blasted baby bangs. They are a reminder that while it's not my time yet, hope is on the way...and somewhere a rainbow is too.

Happy Thursday y'all.

Friday, March 6, 2015

Seven Months.

"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you Simon, that your faith may NOT fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." - Luke 22:31-32, NIV (emphasis mine)

I've been thinking a lot recently about how I shouldn't feel bad to mark the time that has passed since I handed my first born to a nurse for the last time. I have a friend that wrote a book about the loss of her son.

It really has me thinking about writing my own.

I've read Angie Smith's book and now I've read my friend's, but I want to tell my own story. The biggest thing that I worry about is that people will forget about Lily. I have family now that don't like to ask me about Lily because I still cry when I talk about her. What my family doesn't understand is that I will probably always cry when I talk about her because I miss her. But I NEED people to ask me about her.

Lily was a real person and her story deserves to be told.

Unfortunately, this won't be the last time that someone has a little girl with Trisomy 13 and as terrible as it is to be in this club, people need to know that it can be survived. I need the world to know that a baby that was not wired for this world helped me to come to Jesus. Other mommas need to know that it doesn't sound weird that they know their kids loved a certain band or certain foods even if they never took a breath outside our tummies.

(For the record, Lily was a fan of Queen. She loved mango magic smoothies and hated ranch and salsa. She also was a night owl like her Pappaw and AJ.)

We need friends that will hold our hand when we are still sad and people don't get it.When family members don't know what to say or what it is like to experience this terrible tragedy, I want the momma to be able to hand my book to them and say, this is what it is like for me.

I want her life to mean something. I want Lily to have a legacy. I've been thinking about it a lot as you can tell. This might be the way it happens.

Happy Seven Months Lily. Momma loves you.
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Hi y'all! The name's Samantha. You can call me Sam if you like. I am a lover to a boy I met at Falls Creek in the summer of 2005, that is a student of Jesus, a Sooner born and Sooner bred and when I die I'll be Sooner dead, Democrat by party, blonde to the core, and oldies but goodies kind of girl.
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