Friday, January 23, 2015

Inside the Box.

When we found out that Lily was officially diagnosed, I knew that one of the things I wanted for her was a chest made of wood. Little Women is my favorite book and I remembered that the March girls each had a chest with their name on it. I knew that what we would have of Lily's would fit in there.

About two months after she had passed away, Brandon and I placed the blankets we used for her in the hospital inside the box. They were the last items. I think at the time, I thought that if we get rid of all that was a part of her and put it away, that I can move forward.

Then Halloween happened.

And well, the box just exploded. I tried to move forward. I remember sitting at football games and thinking, "Why do these people act like everything is okay? Don't they know my baby died?"

I didn't say anything though because I felt like people were tired of talking about her. I also desperately wanted to feel normal. I wanted the nightmare to just end. I wanted my old life back before my bubble had been popped. So I just walked around the mess. I pretty much pretended it wasn't there.

I still feel that way. I will have interactions with some of my dearest people and in the time we are together, not a word will be spoken about her, unless I bring my girl up. Then when she is brought up, people want to talk about how she's an angel. At some point, that will bring me comfort, but for now it doesn't. Or people want to shut down the conversation as quickly as possible because it makes them uncomfortable. If it makes them uncomfortable, imagine what it does to me. Finally, there are the people who think that our solution is to just have another baby. I don't want to have a child just to fix my problems. That poor kid would know that there would always be a hole he/she is trying to fill. That's no way to live. I want Jesus to bless us in his time for us, not for anyone else. Then I feel extremely self-conscious about being that girl. I'm not the only person with real live issues. I know that and I get that.

And so I'm quiet.

The problem is that my box has exploded and what has been raging and shouting in my head for months can't just be quiet anymore. The mess will not be ignored any longer.


Susannah said...

I just love you. I don't know what to say-I just don't. So I won't say anything else other than I love you. And I think of you and Brandon and wonder what's going on inside and how you are moving at all.

Nina said...

Thank you for helping us understand what you are going through. I'd love to have coffee and hear all about your baby girl. From the beginning. I'll find you on FB. In Him with Love, Nina

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Hi y'all! The name's Samantha. You can call me Sam if you like. I am a lover to a boy I met at Falls Creek in the summer of 2005, that is a student of Jesus, a Sooner born and Sooner bred and when I die I'll be Sooner dead, Democrat by party, blonde to the core, and oldies but goodies kind of girl.
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