Friday, November 21, 2014

On where I've been...

So. Halloween sucked big hairy balls. (I'm sorry mom.) But it did. I didn't think it would. I've honestly never cared about the holiday all that much. Now that I'm on the "parental" side of things though, I kinda was looking forward to this year. I realized that when I spent Halloween and the day after in tears.

I've spent the past couple of weeks recovering and trying my best to prepare for the upcoming holidays. I have never wished for January or appreciated January in my life. But circumstances can do that to a girl sometimes. I'm very much a respect the bird kinda girl this year only because putting up Christmas decorations makes me sad. I also have pumped the brakes on social media A LOT lately. It's just something that helps me not be so sad.

(Note: I don't say this crap to make y'all feel sorry for me. It's just where I am right now. I am posting it for the simple fact that life won't always be like this. I want to look back and see how far I've come.)

I've also decided to not take the bar until the summer time. I need to clear my head as best I can. The best way I can describe my grief right now is a cloud of fogginess. I am always always always thinking about Lily in the back of my mind. I just am. Sometimes it is directly, and others indirectly. But the fog is always there. Some days, I can see through it and it almost seems to clear. Other days, it's so thick that I pretty much just have to pray for Jesus to help me get through it.

BUT. Having said that, I still want and feel a calling on my life to be an attorney. The responsibilities that come with that are serious and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that or be in a situation where the responsibility becomes a burden.

The other area that we are waiting on is more babies. I know a lot of women that started trying pretty much as soon as the doctor said they could. But I know myself. I know that I'll worry from start to finish once the stick turns pink. So in order to not have that going on in the back of my mind while I am trying to study for the bar next summer, we are waiting for babies as well.

(Note: I say this as politely as possible, but if you disagree, please keep it to yourself. It's not your life or your future babies or career at stake. It's mine.)

So what else is going on lately? I've been doing Believing God by Beth Moore and LOVE IT! I've never experienced a place like this in my faith. I don't think that's a coincidence either.

ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND the most fun news is that I'm working for Old Navy now. I'll have everyone know that I've worked three times now and I haven't shopped yet! That's some serious self-restraint on my part if you're new around here. IF you're not new, then I just scored for the home team!

I hope this finds you well.

Happy Friday!

Thursday, November 6, 2014

On road trips...

To my dearest Lily,

You've been gone for three months as of today. It snuck up on me actually. Last week sucked royally with Halloween. It was the first major holiday and I pretty much had to hide from social media. All the babies that you were supposed to grow up with had cute costumes and I thought about how I promised your daddy that you could be Princess Leia or Yoda depending upon gender. You would have been Princess Leia obviously.

But I remembered when I read a blog post today by a momma that lost a baby girl named Ruby earlier this year. Anyway, she's pregnant again and it was weird for her because Ruby wasn't there. I imagine I will have similar feelings myself when I find out I'm pregnant again. But then, I started reading her past posts to see if she had felt the way I had felt in the past few months after losing you.

She had.

She also talked about how long it had been when they found out about their second baby. It was three months to the day and then it clicked for me that today was the 6th.  It explained why I was up at the crack of dawn this morning and couldn't really sleep until 9 again. Your daddy couldn't sleep either.

She talked about being around strangers and people she knew and them all acting normal. It's weird because I remember being in public and wondering if people could tell I had just had a baby since you weren't with me a couple of months ago at your AL and Uncle Will's first football game. Even though I knew that was your fate, it still was a shock to lose you all the same. Did I look normal? Or did I look sad?

She also talked about how now she and Ruby's daddy had a more compassionate view for the world since they had faced death. It made me think of Harry Potter being able to see the thestrals for the first time because he has faced death in the face. His world view added something he had never seen before. Ours as well. It's disconcerting at times even if we don't show it. The world isn't the place it used to be for me.

Ellen DeGeneres says every day at the end of her show, "Be kind to one another." Plato said it this way, "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

And Lil, it's so true. You just never know who is struggling. Like I said earlier in the week, how I was struck by the fact that this is the first time the ministry has been online. This is also the first time people have seen mommas like me grieving online too. For some I would imagine it is hard to watch. It might even make them uncomfortable. It used to make me uncomfortable quite frankly. But here's the deal, this blog post isn't for the people who haven't sat in my place. It's for the ones who have. So they can see someone else talk to their baby and feel normal because it's all they want to do too. Not everyone feels that way. Grieving is certainly different for everyone. But my point is that there is solace in knowing others feel the way I do about you. It's why I'm writing to you now. I am struggling with moving forward. There is a part of me that wants to be done with this year, but then I'm stuck with the fact that once I get through those tough spots, it's that much longer that it has been since I've seen you and held you. But I know that I need to get it out, to help me process. So I'm writing about grieving, about you, about what life is like for us now.

The part that struck me most from Ruby's momma's blog was where I read where Ruby's daddy wanted to go on a road trip. He knew he wanted to do that while they were in the hospital.

I didn't realize I wanted a road trip until this week. It's like my daddy, your Pop/Pappaw (we never really decided because once we found out you were sick, it was too hard to talk about) says, the road is calling me. I know that once I get out there I will still think about you. I'm always thinking about you. I told your daddy that right now I feel like I can only do one thing at a time because I'm already thinking about you. So I'm in essence multi-tasking all the time. I just figure being on the road would allow me time to just think without Gilmore Girls or whatever I've decided to distract myself with for the time being out of the way. That maybe somehow, I will find some peace and also see you in the ways I see you now that you're not here anymore.

I know you're in heaven, but I don't know what you're doing. I hope that you let me know you see me today. I love you and miss you desperately, Lil. Your daddy does too.


Tuesday, November 4, 2014

On the first good rainy day of fall...

It's really quiet in my house right now. Brandon is at work and a load of laundry has just finished up in the dryer. I'm sitting at my desk right now. I was working on a Bible study, but I stopped for a bit.

I stopped because as I stared out the window while I was thinking about something from the Bible study, I realized today is the first wet rainy day of fall. There have been a few glimpses of a day like today, but not a good full on rainy day until now.

Normally, on this first good rainy day, I take a nice hot shower. Then I put on a pair of my favorite warm socks, my best sweats, a good tshirt, and a hoodie. I fix myself a bowl of soup or popcorn if I didn't have chicken chili ready to go. I'd find my favorite blankets and prop up my pillows just right. Then I'd pull out the Christmas movies and decide which ones I wanted to watch when. I'd pop it in and watch another after another until Brandon got home to grumble about watching Christmas movies before Thanksgiving. He's a big "Respect the Bird" kind of guy you know, but he'd watch with me all the same. We would laugh at some of our favorite parts and some other parts we found funny for the first time.

This moment is exactly the kind of thing I was looking forward to sharing with Lily. I know that even if she was healthy, she wouldn't have been able to understand the movies. But it would have made the day even better. I know her daddy would have still grumbled, but he would also have been the first to get on the couch with us and snuggle. We would have had to curb our laughing a bit so we didn't wake her. We probably would have fought over holding her since it would have been another first or maybe I would have been relieved to see Brandon after a long day. It's anyone's guess.

Even though it makes me tear up thinking about all the firsts, it also makes me smile too. Grief and joy go hand in hand that way. It's weird at times how that works.

Like I said, the laundry is done. Guess I'll go get it out and get back to my bible study.

Happy Tuesday.

Monday, November 3, 2014

On Romans 12:15...

Last week when I should have been studying for the MPRE, I watched BooMama's keynote speech at Allume. Someone mentioned it on The Twitter and I pulled it up quickly, because well I just love her. Even though we have never met, I consider her a mentor of sorts on how to do this blogging world thing. She is southern, blonde, an avid football and baseball fan, a family person, and she loves Jesus hard.

Not to be all spoiler alert on y'all, but SPOILER ALERT, she gave a talk that I have thought about every day since. She spoke about Mary and Elizabeth and their time together when they'd both found out they were expecting John the Baptist and the Big Kahuna, Jesus. She spoke about how they were for one another, even when they shouldn't have been, by society's standards.

But the part that resonated with me the most was when she asked a question to the audience. She asked, "Does it ever just hit you that this is the first time we are doing this ministry thing on the world wide web?"

That question cut through me like a knife. I'm a future attorney. Sometimes I feel limited in what I can say. Not because I'm revealing confidential information about anything, but because I am putting myself out there for the world to see. I don't know if you know this or not, but the legal world, is cutthroat at best. The things I say can be used against me. The more vulnerable I am, the more I am considered to be weak.

On the flip side, I still need to be bold in my faith and the telling of my story.

That question made me think, "What do people see when they read my blog?" and "Have they seen Jesus?"

With a quick examination that didn't include me reading through all of my posts, people will find my view and thoughts on losing weight, being married for almost seven years, moving across country to go to law school, my love or dislike for the Real Housewives, the loss of my first-born Lily, my obsession with the British Royal Family, the Kennedy family, and Sooner football.

But do they see Jesus consistently? And do they see me championing others even when the world tells me I shouldn't?

I have to be honest, I know there are some posts in here that don't.

Right now, I'm going through a hard season, but there are a lot of people around me going through good seasons.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." - Romans 12:15

I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now in my life. Whether I like it or not, being part of the momma's that have lost a child club, is part of my ministry. What will others see about this time? I can tell you that while Lily's death hurts and I am struggling like I never have been before, I still feel a sense of rebirth and hope. I so desperately want a clean slate. I want to be as confident as I once was. I want to be fresh and a light for Jesus. I am wrestling with my faith as many often do when they lose a loved one like this, but I want others to see that this time can be survived and even thrived in.

Some day, it will be my turn to rejoice. For now, it is my time to mourn. God has me where he needs me, even if I hate it and even if I'm ready to be done with this time. There things I wouldn't be open to otherwise if I were not in this place.

I hope from here on out, you see me as someone who champions others, no matter where they are in life.

Happy Monday!

(You can find the link here for BooMama's keynote here.  I highly recommend it. Obviously.)

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Hi y'all! The name's Samantha. You can call me Sam if you like. I am a lover to a boy I met at Falls Creek in the summer of 2005, that is a student of Jesus, a Sooner born and Sooner bred and when I die I'll be Sooner dead, Democrat by party, blonde to the core, and oldies but goodies kind of girl.
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