Thursday, July 3, 2014

On being the Tin Man

"Now I know I've got a heart, because it's breaking." -The Tin Man, The Wizard of Oz

Ever have a post that just doesn't come together like you want it? That was yesterday for me. There are so many thoughts I have going on these days and I'm trying to express them because I know it's important in the healing process.

Today is going to be short and sweet, but exactly where I've been and am right now.

Brandon and I have our NICU appointment today for Lily. 

I've been having panic attacks at night because it gets dark and quiet in the house and there isn't any noise to distract me from what's happening. I don't have them every night. But I'd say about once a week. Things are always harder when I know I have a doctor's appointment coming.

The anxiety is crippling at times.

I fight it as hard as I can. I pray constantly throughout it. Bottom line, it's just really sad to think about and I worry about everyone else I love being safe.

Sometimes I tell Brandon if I can just survive this year, I will make it. But as soon as I tell him that all the worry about what else could go wrong with it comes whooshing in and the rest of the year seems cloudy.

I've never felt that before.

I've always been secure in my life and the direction it was going. I've always gone with plans of how I think things will work out and for the most part they do. When they haven't, I've been able to bounce back.

Now NOTHING is certain anymore.

I know that losing the power of control and being vulnerable is part of my journey in all of this, but I feel helpless.

...and scared. I've never been so scared in my life of losing the people I love.

At this point, my heart is broken with Lily. I know that with time, my heart will heal. But if I lose Brandon, I think my spirit will be broken. I don't dare say these things out loud all that often because I feel like I'm tempting fate. I have never once let myself say out loud "What else could go wrong?" because I don't want to be like Job with no one left. Even now I worry about typing those sentences out. I can't handle losing everyone. I can't really handle losing Lily.

I'm wondering if God has forgotten about me.

Everything I grew up being taught about Jesus is being put to the biggest test right now.

I want so badly to believe that this plan is better and that God's ways are better, but I feel almost betrayed by God. I am called to trust Him wholeheartedly and I've been told my whole life that no matter what I can trust Him.

I know that is Satan at work which pisses me off. I wish I could tell you that that asshole has left me alone during all of this, but he takes his shots whenever and however he can.

I fight so hard to see the good. Trust me on that. It seems like a lot of good Christian people have been hit hard this year with loss.

I want so desperately to see God's faithfulness to others, but I want to see it for us as well. I need to see it and desperately so.

So pray for us today.


Sarah said...

Disclaimer: There is no possible way I can truly understand your pain.

Keep trusting Him. Even when you don't want to. Even when you're pissed off. Even when you scream and cry and are mad. TRUST HIM. Again, I have not been in your exact situation, but in losing loved ones, I have been on that other side. I didn't trust Him. At all. I was positive that He had forgotten about me. That I'd done something so horrible that losing my person was my punishment. It was the most horrible time of my life. BUT- I WAS SO WRONG. He IS there, even when it is hard to believe it.

I am praying for y'all. I am praying for peace for when you are scared, and praying for strength for when you don't feel like fighting to see the good.

Perfectly Imperfect said...

Sam I can't even pretend to know what you're going through but my heart aches so bad for you all. Please know that I'm praying for you. That so many are praying for you. And He is still there. He still loves you. Even when it seems it's too much to bear, He's still there. Love you girl.

Amy said...

sam….my heart is so, so heavy for you. i read this a post on ann voskamp's blog today and thought of you. emily freeman was guest posting and here is the excerpt that brought you to mind:

"In long light, in deep darkness, and in all the layers of shadow in between, Christ came first and holds us together even when change comes rolling through. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.
And so we welcome this new season, whatever it may bring, because we must, because to press on as we have been doing hurts too much.
Instead of fighting the changes and the transitions —
what if we leaned into them instead?"

praying for you and with you that in your season of deep darkness and unknowns, that you can lean into Him and know that He is before all things and in all things. That through Him, you will be held together. brandon will be held together. when it feels like everything is falling apart, He is holding it together. He is still the God of your childhood. healer, sustainer, redeemer, beginning and end.
colossians 1:17
continuously praying for you, brandon, and sweet baby lily. xo

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Hi y'all! The name's Samantha. You can call me Sam if you like. I am a lover to a boy I met at Falls Creek in the summer of 2005, that is a student of Jesus, a Sooner born and Sooner bred and when I die I'll be Sooner dead, Democrat by party, blonde to the core, and oldies but goodies kind of girl.
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