Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Here's to seeing the good.

I mentioned in my last post that going to sleep is the hardest time of the day for me. There isn't anything to distract me from the reality that awaits us.

The other night I was looking at my Instagram account and I was looking at all the pictures from when we lived in Michigan. I was struck by how happy we looked in them. There were hard times in Michigan for us, but we were melded together as two in a way that might never have happened for us if we hadn't gone to Michigan. The whole time I was looking at these pictures I kept thinking, "All that time, that happy girl was headed for where I am sitting tonight and for this year."

I also wondered, "Will I ever be that happy girl again? Will my smile be changed? Will people be able to see that there is just a bit of sadness to my eyes for the rest of my life?"

And it made me sad and mad all over again. I told Brandon at dinner that I remembered that the first 8 months were hard because we were so homesick, law school was kicking my butt, and we were struggling financially.

But we survived and so many things worked out wonderfully for us.

That hard didn't seem to touch what we were going through now. I'd take all three of those situations in a heartbeat if it meant we got to have a healthy little girl.

I shared with Brandon that I wanted so badly for Arkansas and all that it holds for us to be good like Michigan was. I remembered Michigan being hard, but the level of hard we'd experienced in Arkansas, was just weird. I then took a sip of my water at the pizza place we were at and said, "Man I'm so glad that just about everywhere in Arkansas has Sonic ice for drinks."

And he said, "See there's something good about Arkansas right there."

It was simple and to the point. Brandon never said it, but if I want to see the good, I've got to look for it.

That's who I am. In the worst of times, I look for the good. It's how things in Michigan got better and how we survived at first and then thrived there.

I feel like this might be among the worst of times for us is an obvious understatement. But I've still got to look for the good, even if I have to fight to find it, because if I don't, I'll drown in my sadness.

The time I have with Lily is going to be special, no matter what. If it is two hours or ten, I want her to get the best version of me. I am not naive enough to think that it won't be hard to watch her go, but while she's here, I want her to know me as her momma who loves her with all she has. I want her to know the woman that fights to see the good, and not only survives this hard time, but thrives because of the grace of God.

I know there will be days I fall back down again, but the point is that I will fight to stand up and with the help of God and those that I love, I'll be able to stand up and see the good while doing it. I'll definitely have some battle scars from this deal, but those scars will be just that, scars, because God will heal me.

So here's to seeing the good...and on the bad days, here's to remembering that the good days will come.

Happy Wednesday.


sel said...

I totally understand what you mean concerning, "will people always see the sadness in my eyes." I've wondered that too. Because no matter how hard we try to fight the sadness, and grief, and loss, it's still there. And unless you've dealt with it yourself, people can only see glimpses of it.

A year later, and I'm not cringing at every single baby girl I see. My heart doesn't physically hurt when I hear another baby was born healthy to a mom that purposely chose no prenatal care, anymore.

There will be moments of sadness. But you will have moments of happiness too. And I promise you, Lily will help with that.

Thinking of you always.

Classy Fab Sarah said...

I feel like I should be able to say something helpful or comforting, but I suppose if there were words that could ease the pain certainly SOMEONE would have come up with them already.

I think that there's also truth to the fact that the harder stuff eventually fades over time. What feels like a knife to the chest now eventually comes a familiar ache.

Last week, someone was connected to me by a friend. They are in the process of losing one of their parents, and our mutual friend thought we could help each other and I could give her some comfort... but when I sat down to really think about it - I can't really remember those raw days of pain. I know they happened, I have the crinkles around my eyes to prove the tears - but things are just different now. There's a lump in my chest where I know everything is real and happened - but it's really hard to find myself back to that place.

Alllll of this to say: I don't think my pain can even hold a candle to having to say goodbye to a child, but one day you will remember the good - and it will be GOOD.

Also, trying to get Sonic ice in Indiana is nearly impossible. Although they do sell "good ice" (literally, that's how it's marketed on signs) at gas stations... but then I have to make extra stops at gas stations. Yuck.

JMS said...

Hugs! I think that looking for good is a really good thing to be conscious of. My mom lost a baby boy to anencephaly 28 years ago. She chose to carry to term as well. There are two of us older & three children after. I think you saying sadness in the eyes forever is so poignant. She was a different person before, and a different mother to those that came after, still having a different relationship with us older two to this day. It's difficult for the whole family (I was 5 when this occurred) and it shaped my whole life. The sadness in my mothers eyes have lifted some now (my parents divorced two years ago & she is much happier now) and a family member had a healthy baby girl on Jeffery's birthday which helps bring some joy as well. I think you are incredibly brave & I wish you the best.

Ashley Sanford said...

Just wanted to say I'm praying for you. And you are so strong!

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Hi y'all! The name's Samantha. You can call me Sam if you like. I am a lover to a boy I met at Falls Creek in the summer of 2005, that is a student of Jesus, a Sooner born and Sooner bred and when I die I'll be Sooner dead, Democrat by party, blonde to the core, and oldies but goodies kind of girl.
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