Wednesday, June 25, 2014

My Bad Days

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, 
When sorrows like sea billows roll; 
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, 
It is well, it is well with my soul. 

It is well with my soul, 
It is well, it is well with my soul. 

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, 
Let this blest assurance control, 
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate, 
And hath shed His own blood for my soul. 

My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!— 
My sin, not in part but the whole, 
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, 
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! 

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live: 
If Jordan above me shall roll, 
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life 
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul. 

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait, 
The sky, not the grave, is our goal; 
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord! 
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul! 

And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight, 
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll; 
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, 
Even so, it is well with my soul.
- It Is Well With My Soul, Horatio G. Spafford

Recently, there have been quite a few people on social media tell me how strong I have been through all of this. 

And I just want to laugh. 

I have bad days more than what you think. 

I probably should talk about them more, but I don't necessarily want it to be all bad all the time. I realize that I have to give myself grace and let myself be sad. But I don't want the sadness, heartbreak, and anger to be my story, or Lily's story entirely. Typically, on my bad days, I try to stay off Facebook, and Twitter and Instagram. 

That being said, I think it would be a disservice to Christ not to talk about my bad days. Because when I have bad days filled with anxiety, worry and anger are the days that someone reaches out to let me know they're praying for us or they've seen some lilies and wanted us to know they're still thinking of the three of us. Or Brandon is having a good day and I can tell him and he can handle it. I also want people to know that the only reason we made it through this time was because of Jesus and the community around us. 

In my hometown church there are 6-7 babies from my high school youth group that have been born or will be born this year. My Lily is one of them. This past Thursday, one of those babies was born. Friday was pretty much an awful day. I didn't go to class because I knew it was going to be a hard day. I haven't had a full day where the sadness and heartbreak just overwhelms me since I started studying for the bar. Like I said, I could just tell this was going to be bad and I needed to give myself some time.

The thing is that while it is wonderful that this new life was here, it also was hard. It was an in-my-face reminder that isn't going to happen for us this time. We don't get to take Lily home. She doesn't get to grow up. Brandon doesn't get to take his little girl out for special dates. She won't have a wedding day. The list goes on. And on. And on. And on.

But the bigger issue I've dealt with lately is anxiety. It is crippling at times. I'm a very Type-A person. I like to be in control on a regular basis. This whole situation is out of my control. Parts of it, I've made my peace with...well at least the best I can. But what I'm struggling with most right now is child birth. I think it's because I am dealing with an inevitable infant loss that I'm scared of losing others in my life.

But mostly, I worry about and my anxiety consumes me regarding child birth.

We have made some decisions regarding child birth and one of those decisions includes an induction. (This is all based on the contingency that she doesn't pass away before then.) I'm not ready to share when that's going to happen, but the point is that I know emotionally, it is the best thing for me.

I'll be honest, Saturday through Sunday was HARD for me. Brandon and a friend of his were talking about child birth and how so many things can go wrong if not watched. I hadn't really told Brandon what I was struggling with and I asked him to change the subject. He didn't really think anything about it. They proceeded to continue the conversation. I later told Brandon that I had been having anxiety about it. He was super upset knowing what he knew afterwards.

The only time I felt a release in those two days was while we were at church on Sunday morning. I don't think that's a coincidence.

I don't tell you these things to feel sorry for me. I don't tell you these things to pity me. I just want you to know the ways you can pray for me.

This is where I am.

I'm not a quitter. Never have been. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I'm not struggling.

I will say I've found hope in the following verses for the days to come.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. 
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." - Isaiah 40:28-31

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 
and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor." - Isaiah 61:1-3

I read them over and over again. And I don't give up my fight because if I do, I feel like Satan has won. And that can't happen. I refuse to let it be the story for Lily and I refuse to let it be the story for me. But most importantly, I refuse to let it be the story for Jesus' kingdom. 

In my weakness, Jesus is made strong and while I am hurting, I put my hope in Him. Some day, I'll be standing upright again. Until then, I have to be okay accepting His help and the help of our village of loved ones to stand up.

So just keep praying. 

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Hi y'all! The name's Samantha. You can call me Sam if you like. I am a lover to a boy I met at Falls Creek in the summer of 2005, that is a student of Jesus, a Sooner born and Sooner bred and when I die I'll be Sooner dead, Democrat by party, blonde to the core, and oldies but goodies kind of girl.
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