Tuesday, January 31, 2012

My Ugly Truth.

For the majority of my life, I've been everyone else's cheerleader. I encourage those in hard situations. I push friends and family who are struggling with school to push on and promise them over and over that it will be worth it all in the end. (And education is worth it!) I'm not trying to toot my own horn. This is of my own doing.

Because I'm a cheerleader/motivational supporter/ big sister (literally and figuratively), I don't often receive the same treatment back. It's part of the job. I like taking care of others and encouraging them to do their very best.

But there is a downside to this: Often times, the big sister doesn't necessarily get even close to what she puts out there. It is draining to say the least. Sometimes, I don't feel like I can have problems. In fact, for the most part, I put up a good front to people when something is wrong simply because I don't think they'll care.  I also take on their problems as well. I'm always trying to solve the next issue. I know how ridiculous and stupid this all sounds by the way. I know people care because when I finally let my guard down and cry, they are the first ones there to help me out.

But it is HARD for me to get to that point. I am as Type-A as a person can get. If my planner or phone gets lost, I feel as if part of my very soul has been cast off unvoluntarily and I cannot function.

The other downside to all of this is that I am a huge worry-wart. I mean, I could be a case study for how ridiculously high my level of worrying can reach.

I worry about whether I've locked the doors.
I worry about whether I  turned off the flat iron.
I worry if I  put Pais up.
I worry if I got my books, my phone charger, computer charger, planner,  phone, and water bottle all stashed in my book bag.
I worry about the house burning down.
I worry that someone will break into the house while we're gone.
I worry that my computer will crash and I'll lose all of my lecture notes.
I worry about the Scentsy plug-ins getting turned off.
I worry about the fan on the elliptical getting turned off too.

And that is just the tip of the iceburg. That's not even covering emotional worry.

I worry about my relationship with Brandon.
I worry about my relationship with God.
I worry about my relationship with our families.
I worry about my families relationships with their own families.
I worry about my friends.
I worry that I've said the wrong thing.
I worry about financial stability.
I worry about law school.

Then there's the future.

I worry about moving back to Oklahoma.
I worry about taking the bar.
I worry about passing the bar.
I worry about the financial burden of paying off our student loans.
I worry about being able to have children easily. I worry about my family's health.

I just flat out worry.

I know that everything will work out and I should just breathe. But knowing and doing are two very different things.

I also know that I should be praying about my worry too. I do, but I pray about all the stupid crap I have just listed. My entire prayer life should not consist of petitioning God to keep these things from happening or not happening.

My relationship with Christ should be more than that.

Oh sure, I am thankful for the opportunities that we have and what it has brought to us.

But I still am sorely lacking in the adoration department in my prayers. (ACTS-Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, and Supplication)

I know I'm not the only person with this problem and I definitely know I won't be the last. I come from a long line of worriers.

I just need some relief from my irrational, incessant worrying before it does me in big time.

THAT is my ugly truth.

If you have this problem or have had this problem, how did you seek God's face for his help on the matter. Did He heal you? 

Happy Tuesday.

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5 comments:

angsamp said...

I worry a lot too... and I take on problems and act as though nobody cares when I have them either (though I know they really would if I told them). It's hard and honestly, I haven't figured out how to overcome it, or reduce this... wish there was a magic way!

Susannah said...

Oh girl, I'm sorry! I'm a worrier too, although not as excessive as I used to be. Don't know what happened. I'm thinking if you though! xoxo

Brittany said...

I'm SUCH a worrier. J tells me all the time that I worry about stuff that I have completely no control over (amen to that). It causes me so much anxiety especially when I'm crazy busy with school. I'm sure I'll worry less as I get older, but for now I just have to deal with it! Good luck to you!

The Pink Growl said...

I'm an ultimate Type-A person too, including the massives worries over every random little thing. It's unfortunately not something we can help very much. I actually find that working out is an amazing release for my stress (regular stress and stress from worrying). Maybe it could help you too!

brown eyed girl said...

You've had a few more posts about worrying lately - everything okay? Think about it peacefully - you've done what you can for today, ask for protection and peace, then leave it. Maybe writing down your worries and then burning the paper as an act of literally removing your worries may help. Just a couple of thoughts. I worry too - but I'm able to talk myself off the ledge by reminding myself that everything will be okay.

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Hi y'all! The name's Samantha. You can call me Sam if you like. I am a lover to a boy I met at Falls Creek in the summer of 2005, that is a student of Jesus, a Sooner born and Sooner bred and when I die I'll be Sooner dead, Democrat by party, blonde to the core, and oldies but goodies kind of girl.
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