Saturday, July 18, 2009

PUKE...

If you're a reader of this blog, you know that I don't bring up serious topics all that often. And if I do, I am more often than not very vague about them. I hate being this way, but quite frankly I feel that sometimes in the blogging world if we share serious sad/bad things the blog gets more attention. I am not even as opinionated as I normally am on here. Please understand that I don't hold it against anyone for being so open on their blogs. I just think it's crappy that it takes someone's suffering for another person to notice. I am just as guilty of this, I want you to know that.

Know that I am quite a serious person and if I wanted to complain on here (which I am doing right now in a roundabout way) I would have blog posts ready to go for the next two weeks. There are lots of CRAPPY things going down in my life right now. I am not as my dad would say, "sticking my head in the sand" about the problems.

I hope I don't sound like a total b at this point. I really am not trying to be this way at all. I just feel like I need to make this post.

I don't blog about things that make me mad/sad mostly because I am afraid of what could happen...

Seriously, I wish it was more legit than I am scared...but that is all I've got.

I am afraid that people will find my blog that I don't necessarily want to be found by.
I am afraid that I will hurt someone's feelings.
I am afraid that on the off chance I might actually be in public service one day I don't want anything to come back and haunt me.

I know these reasons might sound silly, especially the last one. And honestly, I wish I didn't care so much about what others think, but I do. If you are saying to yourself that you don't care what others think, you are lying to yourself to some degree. But I am as serious as a heart attack.

Quite frankly, since high school, I have wanted to become a great lawyer that breaks into the political scene. I am not from money, so if I get the opportunity it will be the good ole' American dream that will make it happen for me. I am smart, but feel like I blew my shot in college. I am not going to law school this fall and now I am at a serious loss of what I should do. I am supposed to have this great revelation from God by August 1 about what I am supposed to do and I've got nothing.

Some days, I still have this great desire to go out and be the first female President of the United States. And the next day some times thirty minutes later I wonder if not having time with my family on a regular basis will be worth it. More often than not I find myself comparing my life to my parent's lives. My mom gets to be with the kids in the summer. My dad does not. And then there is the question, do I want to be an attorney solely for the fact that it would mean I would get to show people that I am somebody? Or is it something that I really really want?

I honestly don't know anymore.

And this is only the tip of the iceburg.

Recently, I've been dreaming about my time in Norman. I miss my girls. I miss having a good friendship. The Lord has quietly been answering my prayers with a few new people. But there is no one here like Emily, Katherine, Jessi, Jessika, Susan, or Brittany here. I know I have been complaining about this problem since I started my blog a year ago, but it just isn't getting any better. I hate explaining myself on a regular basis about who I am. And for the past year and a half that is all I have done. It's not cool anymore. If you're in my life on a regular basis, you should know who I am.

And there are a few other family issues that are going on right now. It is nothing with my immediate family. It's with my extended family. Long story short, my mom is not being treated the way she should be. She is the most loving and giving person I know. If I have a heart for service, it came from her completely and totally. Annnnnnnnd the economy sucks, especially in the car business which is where my dad works and so it is really hard for my parents.

All in all life is just shitty. I am doing everything I can to keep afloat, but all of this crap is weighing me to my breaking point. I can't take much more disappointment in my life. I am ready for things to be okay for me and my family. I will keep trucking away to remain positive. I can't live my life stressed out. It's just too sad.

All I can say is please pray for us. (But don't feel sorry for us. That will just piss me off. In my opinion it is no better when boys let girls win a game. If we are going to get past this period in our lives, I don't want it to be because someone let us.)

And now that I have broken all of my rules I think I'll end this rambling post before I sound like Sarah Palin.

And I hate Sarah Palin. She might be worse than Dick Cheney.

Might.

1 comment:

Kelsey Claire said...

I will be praying for you all. It sounds like alot of changes and transitioning, which is never easy!

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Hi y'all! The name's Samantha. You can call me Sam if you like. I am a lover to a boy I met at Falls Creek in the summer of 2005, that is a student of Jesus, a Sooner born and Sooner bred and when I die I'll be Sooner dead, Democrat by party, blonde to the core, and oldies but goodies kind of girl.
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